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UŽKLUPUSI PAAUGLYSTĖ
Be nežinomybės, paauglystė tėvams yra sudėtingas amžiaus tarpsnis dar ir todėl, kad prabėgus geram dešimtmečiui mums atrodo, jog su savo vaiku suformavome artimą ryšį. Jau žinome, kas veikia, o kas – ne, kas patinka, o kas – ne, atrodo, kad dabar jau galime gyventi ramiai. Man vėlyvoji vaikystė – pradinės mokyklos amžius – yra vienas gražiausių vaiko gyvenimo tarpsnių. Ikimokykliniame amžiuje mes susipažįstame su savo vaiku, sukuriame su juo santykius, o pradinėje mokykloje vaikas tampa savarankiškesnis, gali pats sau padėti, bet yra nepaprastai artimas, šiltas, geranoriškas ir tėvai jam vis dar yra didžiulis autoritetas. Žinoma, visko būna, bet man atrodo, kad tai yra nuostabiausias laikas su vaiku, nes susiduriame su gana mažai iššūkių. O tada netikėtai, vos ne pernakt, užklumpa paauglystė. Viskas, ką gerą dešimtmetį kūrėme, nebūtinai sugriūva, bet sudreba. Suvokiame, kad turime keistis, nebent nusprendžiame ignoruoti vykstančius pokyčius. Būtent nenoras keistis dažnai ir yra sudėtingų, konfliktinių situacijų priežastis. Be jokios abejonės, neignoruokite to, kas jums buvo naudinga ir veikė. Paauglystė yra metas, kai keičiasi ne tik vaikas, bet ir mes. Galiu jus patikinti, kad per ketvirtį mano darbo su tėvais amžiaus beveik nebuvo tokių atvejų, kad baisiausi tėvų įsivaizdavimai taptų realybe. Todėl į paauglystę mokykitės žiūrėti kaip į dovaną, kuri, augant vaikui, augins ir jus. O jūs turite unikalią galimybę stebėti, padėti ir būti šalia augančio žmogaus.
TĖVŲ IŠŠŪKIAI
Nepamirškite, kad be vaikų paauglystės dažnai ir mes, tėvai, susiduriame su iššūkiais. Kai mūsų vaikas išgyvena paauglystę, mes stebime, kaip mūsų pačių tėvai sensta, suserga, reikia vis dažniau jais pasirūpinti, patys pradedame jausti, kad einame ne jaunyn, atsiranda sveikatos sutrikimų, pamatome pirmuosius senėjimo ženklus. Su tuo dažnai yra susijusi vidurio amžiaus krizė – šiandien jau žinome, kad ne tik vyrai, bet ir moterys ją išgyvena. Tyrimai rodo, kad nepasitenkinimas santuoka ar partneryste yra didžiausia būtent paauglius auginančių tėvų problema – didesnė nei tuomet, kai vaikai yra maži arba kai jau yra suaugę. Tai yra streso kupinas laikas ne tik vaikams, bet ir tėvams, kai ne tik paauglys, bet ir jo tėvai „perkrato“ savo gyvenimą. Viena lietuvių patarlė sako: „Roges ruošk vasarą.“ Tad ir aš rekomenduoju pradėti ruoštis vaikų paauglystei iš anksto. Turbūt labiausiai norėčiau, kad šią knygą skaitytų aštuonerių devynerių metų vaikų tėvai. Pasirodžius pirmiesiems paauglystės ženklams, tėvai apstulbsta: „Kas čia atsitiko? Kodėl mano mielas ir nuostabus vaikas trenkė durimis ar staiga pradėjo atsikalbinėti, užsidarė kambaryje ir pasakė, kad nenori su manimi būti?“. Jeigu į vaiko paauglystę žengsime atviromis akimis, atvira širdimi, perskaitę keletą knygų ir pasidaliję mintimis su tais, kurie šį laikotarpį jau išgyveno, tikėtina, kad paauglystė bus nuotykis, o ne itin sunkus tarpsnis.
NUO KO PRADĖTI?
Domėkimės, skaitykime knygas, prisiminkime savo paauglystę ir tai leis mums suprasti, kad vaiko nuotaikos ir kūnas keisis, o konfliktas yra pokyčių ir brandos dalis. Žinodami, kas mūsų laukia, lengviau su tuo susidorosime ir, žinoma, geriau tam pasiruošime. Kalbėkitės. Vienas svarbiausių pasiruošimų – tai kalbėjimas su vaiku jautriomis temomis, pavyzdžiui, su mergaitėmis apie menstruacijas, o su berniukais – apie šlapius sapnus. Šiems procesams prasidėjus, kalbėtis per vėlu. Taigi, pradinėje mokykloje būtinai atsakykite į visus vaikams kylančius klausimus. Aišku, nereikia leistis į detales, bet susikoncentruokite į tai, ko vaikas klausia. Jeigu jums nejauku, nupirkite knygų šiomis temomis arba susitarkite su šeimos gydytoju ar kitu suaugusiuoju, kuris vaikui yra autoritetas. Tik niekada nepamirškite, kad svarbiausia – kalbėtis. Pradėkite pokalbį užduodami klausimų. Pasidomėkite vaiko išgyvenamais jausmais, kūno pokyčiais. Jūsų vaikui svarbu žinoti, ko tikėtis, nes nežinomybė kankina ne tik jus, bet ir vaiką. Vaikui susidoroti su emocijomis ir netikėtai užklupusiais įvykiais lygiai taip pat sunku kaip ir jums. Kuo anksčiau ir ramiau su vaiku pradėsite kalbėtis, tuo mažiau jis bijos ir gėdysis su jumis šnekėtis apie visus emocinius bei fizinius pokyčius.
ATSITRAUKIMAS
Atminkite, kad paauglystę gaubia daug mitų ir stereotipų. Turime paklausti savęs: ar aš ne per daug kontroliuoju savo vaiką, ar jį girdžiu, ar leidžiu būti tokiam, koks jis nori būti, o ne tokiam, kokį matyti noriu aš. Vaikui būtinai reikia išmokti atsitraukti nuo to tėvo (tėčio ar mamos), kuris jam yra artimiausias. Žinoma, tam tėčiui ar mamai gali būti skaudu, gali kiltų konfliktų, kad vaikas nenori būti kartu, tačiau turime tam atsiskyrimui emociškai pasiruošti. Tai yra natūralu ir būtina. Jeigu norime, kad vaikas su mumis būtų atviras, kalbėtų ir konfliktų būtų kuo mažiau, turime būti šalia ir visada pasiruošę su vaiku kalbėtis taip, kaip jis nori, o ne taip, kaip norime mes. Suprantu, kad skamba neaiškiai, – tai vaikas nori bendrauti su manim daugiau ar mažiau? Kaip tai turi atrodyti? Iš esmės, paaugliams reikia, kad tėvai būtų šalia ir jų klausytųsi, bet nesikištų į kasdienius jų reikalus. Ikimokykliniame ir pradinės mokyklos amžiuje mūsų pagalba ir dėmesys kasdieniams reikalams buvo būtinas, nes vaikas dar tik mokėsi savigalbos įgūdžių ir savarankiškumo. Paauglystėje staiga turime atsitraukti nuo kasdienių reikalų sužiūrėjimo, o tai nėra lengva. Rekomenduočiau mokytis susitelkti į saugumą ir matyti didįjį paveikslą, o ne kasdienius reikalus ir smulkmenas. Taip pat rekomenduočiau asmeniškai nereaguoti į vaiko demonstruojamą atstūmimą – jis privalo išmokti brėžti ribas.
MOKYKITE VAIKĄ PRIIMTI SPRENDIMUS
Juk nenorime, kad mūsų vaiko pirmasis savarankiškas sprendimas būtų toks: paimti draugo siūlomą cigaretę, ar ne. Jei iki šiol vaikas nejautė savo sprendimo pasekmių, tai jam bus sunku priimti svarbesnius sprendimus. Todėl skatinkite vaiką priimti sprendimus savarankiškai. Pavyzdžiui, leiskite nueiti miegoti vėliau, kad ryte pajustų, ką reiškia būti neišsimiegojusiam, nedrauskite išleisti savo sutaupytus pinigus niekams, kad žinotų, ką reiškia jų neturėti, arba leiskite žiūrėti filmą, neatlikti užduoties ir už tai gauti blogą pažymį. Penktoje, šeštoje klasėje leiskite vaikams priimti tokius sprendimus, kurių pasekmės vaikui yra skaudžios, bet ne tokios, kad kenktų jo saugumui ar laimei. Tiesiog tokios, kurios privers vaiką pasigailėti priėmus vienokius ar kitokius sprendimus ir mokytis iš savo klaidų, o tai yra svarbu. Man apskritai atrodo, kad 5–8 klasės yra tas laikotarpis, kai vaikui itin svarbu pajusti savo sprendimų pasekmes, galėti savarankiškai priimti sprendimus ir jausti, kad tėvai ir kiti suaugusieji elgiasi sąžiningai. Remdamasi ilgamete darbo su paaugliais patirtimi galiu pasakyti, kad dažniausiai jie skundžiasi vienokiu ar kitokiu suaugusiųjų sprendimu, kuris jiems atrodo nesąžiningas.
AIŠKIAI IŠREIKŠKITE SAVO LŪKESČIUS IR TAISYKLES
Bet kurio amžiaus vaikas taisyklėms gali (ir turi!) priešintis, tačiau taisyklės svarbios ir dėl to, kad vaikui būtų aišku, kokie yra jūsų lūkesčiai dėl pažymių, elgesio, namų ruošos. Jeigu jūsų lūkesčiai yra adekvatūs, tai dažnai paaugliai džiaugiasi, kad namuose galioja tam tikros taisyklės, nors ne visada tai pripažįsta. Pavyzdžiui, paauglių apklausos rodo, kad jei namuose nėra taisyklių, tai paaugliams atrodo, kad jie tėvams nerūpi. Neabejoju, kad esate girdėję, jog paaugliai nenori būti su tėvais ir geriau rinktųsi leisti laiką tik su draugais. Tai yra tiesa, bet vėlgi tyrimai atskleidžia, kad nors paaugliai atsitraukia nuo tėvų ir savo elgesiu bei žodžiais parodo, kad nori erdvės sau, giliai širdyje jiems vis dar reikia, kad tėvai būtų šalia ir skirtų jiems dėmesį. Taigi tai turi būti mūsų prioritetas. Jeigu iki šiol niekada neleisdavome sąmoningo laiko kartu (kai padedame visus išmaniuosius prietaisus į šoną ir tiesiog klausomės savo vaiko), reikėtų tai pradėti daryti dar ankstyvojoje paauglystėje. Jeigu bandysite į šį traukinį įšokti vaikui sulaukus 14–15 metų, greičiausiai jam kils klausimas, kas jums atsitiko. Bendras laikas nereiškia, kad nuolat turite pramogauti, tai tiesiog gali būti ir laikas automobilyje kur nors važiuojant – paprašote vaiką pasidėti telefoną, patys išjungiate radiją ir bendraujate.
SKIEPYKITE VERTYBES
Vėlyvoji vaikystė ir ankstyvoji paauglystė yra tas amžiaus tarpsnis, kai galime įskiepyti vaikams tas vertybes, kuriomis norime, kad jie vadovautųsi. Be abejonės, vertybes skiepijame nuo pat gimimo, bet būtent šiame amžiaus tarpsnyje pravartu kalbėti apie brendimą, kibernetinį saugumą, narkotikus, seksą, nes tokio amžiaus vaikai dar mus girdi. Ikimokykliniame amžiuje tokiems pokalbiams dar per anksti, bet vėlyvojo pradinio amžiaus vaikai jau yra pasiruošę jus išgirsti. Patikėkite, šiomis temomis kalbėtis su 12–13 metų amžiaus paaugliu bus gerokai sunkiau, nes vidurio amžiaus paauglystė – tai metas, kai labiausiai yra bandomos ribos ir eksperimentuojama. Kartais tie eksperimentai yra susiję su rizikingu elgesiu, todėl turime pasikalbėti šiomis jautriomis temomis iki vaikui susiduriant su tuo realybėje, kad jis galėtų priimti protingus sprendimus. Jei mūsų vaikas ne kartą bus girdėjęs, kas yra teisinga, o kas – ne, jam bus daug lengviau priimti sprendimą. Ypač domėkitės, su kuo draugauja jūsų paauglys, kadangi tėvų tarpusavio komunikacija taip pat svarbus aspektas, padedantis sukurti saugią aplinką. Tarpusavyje bendraujantys tėvai apie vaikus sužino daugiau, nes tam tikrus dalykus žinote jūs, tam tikrus – jūsų vaiko draugo tėvai. Taip susidaro saugumą sukuriantis tinklas.
UGDYKITE VAIKO ATSAKOMYBĘ
Pradėkite nuo paprastų, buitinių dalykų, pavyzdžiui, skalbinių. Išmokykite vaikus skalbti (ir rankomis, ir skalbykle). Kartais jiems patiems reikia ką nors išsiskalbti, kartais jie nenori, kad jūs skalbtumėte, – tai yra puikus gebėjimas, kurio reikės visą gyvenimą. Mokykite tvarkytis, t. y. ne tik kojines susidėti, bet ir iššveisti vonią, išplauti grindis, parodykite, kaip tai daryti tinkamai, paaiškinkite, kodėl tai yra svarbu. Skatinkite vaiką gaminti maistą, mokykite jį, tegul bando, net jei pirmais kartais ir nepasiseka. Mūsų jauniausiai dukrai pradėjus gaminti daugybę kartų neišėjo, tačiau dabar, įžengusi į paauglystę, kai kuriuos patiekalus ji gamina geriausiai iš visų šeimos narių. Be namų ruošos darbų, tegul vaikas praneša savo būrelio vadovui, kad negalės atvykti į užsiėmimą, tegul susideda pietus į mokyklos žygį, rytais vaiko nebežadinkite, tegul atsikelia savarankiškai, nepriminkite apie namų darbus. Pirmiausia skirkite laiko juos padaryti, priminkite tik tuomet, jei nepadarys. Vaikui duokite kuo daugiau atsakomybių. Svarbiau netgi ne kalbėti apie tai, o taip suorganizuoti vaiko dienotvarkę, kad tai būtų jo atsakomybės, kad jis to išmoktų praktiškai.
Daugiau apie tai, kaip pasiruošti vaiko paauglystei, skaitykite edukologės, socialinių mokslų daktarės, keturių vaikų mamos Austėjos Landsbergienės knygoje „Išgyventi paauglystę. Tėvams ir mokytojams“.
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